


Say You Won't Let Me Go (I'll find my way back to you)

by serendipity267



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: I can't summarise stuff sorry, M/M, Not Beta Read, alternative universe, angst with a sort of happy ending?, jinyoung's really emotionally constipated, mentions of bullying, mentions of physical harm, rated t because i feel like the entire thing's kind of dark, they aren't really in a relationship - Freeform, wrote this on a flight while half asleep so don't expect much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-24
Updated: 2017-08-24
Packaged: 2018-12-19 08:31:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11893935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serendipity267/pseuds/serendipity267
Summary: It was a series of bad decisions and more unexplainable emotions that lead to their meeting after years to possibly be the last - Jinyoung pointing a knife at Daehwi's trembling back, forcing him to walk off the edge of a skyscraper with five people carefully watching and evaluating them from behind.Daehwi was getting convinced that their friendship was only ever one-sided. Jinyoung wasn't sure what he was feeling all the way along the road.What he did know, however, was that he has to make a decision, and fast, that'd either make or break the boy in front of him and himself, to some extent.





	Say You Won't Let Me Go (I'll find my way back to you)

The scenery below Daehwi might have been breathtaking; might have been the kind of landscape which made people draw in breaths inadvertently from the sheer beauty of it all, but right now, with eyes shut tight, he could only draw in shuddering breaths of fear, wishing he could turn back time and made the turn the other way.

He walked, desperately trying to focus on putting a foot in front of another instead of the unrelenting wind mindlessly blowing onto his numb cheeks and the feeling of vertigo that was growing on him with every passing second. _Just go,_ he chastised himself, _there's nothing you can do_. Most of all, he tried to ignore the pain protruding the small of his back, straight to his heart where a person who once was dear to him, who meant the world to him, held a knife to his back, prodding him forward to the edge, the end of everything.

Jinyoung's face was blank, devoid of emotion, and a casual observer may have even thought he felt impassive towards the entire ordeal. Though he looked calm, his mind was reeling, thoughts a raging cacophony as he held his trembling hands towards the smaller boy. He wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at the pure irony of the situation. _Why?_ He wanted to scream at the unfairness of all of it, but deep down he knew he brought it onto himself.

The memory itself was engraved in his mind: Daehwi's cheeks calloused by angry red scars, large chocolate brown eyes drenched in tears, broken body curled up defensively as he himself laughed, jeered at him for the simplest of mistakes. The ultimate betrayal on Daehwi's face was what he saw whenever he wanted to exchange greetings after the incident but was reminded _they weren't friends anymore._ He made his choice that day, and the clock was ticking mercilessly along the path, urging him to finish his task.

 _I can do this,_ he thought to himself, _he means nothing to me now; I can do it and prove to them I'm not weak._ The whispers rang against the background behind him, and his hand jerked, earning him a whimper and the slight shuffling of feet in front of him. He froze, lips parted to mutter an apology before realising what he was supposed to do.

Daehwi ached to turn around, lightly tug the knife away from Jinyoung, hold his hand and run. He wished he could say who cares as they ran for their lives, hearts pounding but pounding in sync, chests heaving but not only from the run but laughing breathlessly from unadulterated joy, ears red not from fear but from the slight blush of embarrassment and of young love. The only problem: he had no idea what Jinyoung even thought of him at this point, he probably didn't even care and the slight glance at the reflecting puddle on the ground of his deep face may have as well told him the answer.

Jinyoung didn't believe in telepathy, but running through his mind was the exact same thought. He had a choice. He could give a little push and end it all at once, or he could tuck his knife away and back hug Daehwi, tears streaming down his face and repeating the well-needed apologies that he at least deserved. He closed his eyes, and just for the tiniest fraction of a second pictured himself and Daehwi hand in hand, running through the streets, heavenly laughter overshadowing the ominous boom of the chase behind them.

"I told you he couldn't do it, he's in damn love, and it makes him weak." Mocking waves of laughter from the back of the rooftop passed into his ears. His hands trembled, not in fear, but in rage. He hadn't been in love, not with anyone, and especially not with his former best friend. He knew, from all the mushy gushy fictions he had secretly read in his spare time to know what it's like to be in love.

Okay, maybe he felt the sick twisting and tying of the stomach when they first asked him to do whatever this is. Maybe he had tried to desperately find a substitute- someone, anyone other than Daehwi, but wasn't that just because like all humans, he's selfish to want to save someone that somewhat mattered to him? He would be lying if he said he didn't care about Daehwi at all- one simply couldn't throw away years of friendship with a few words ( _but you did_ , his mind told him.)

Feeling the rising feeling of vertigo, Daehwi tried to focus on making sense in what dark chasm their relationship had spiraled into. They were innocent children at first, holding hands and hugging like they just belonged together. He found comfort in knowing that the older boy would always be there when he needed him- whether to share a celebratory win of a singing competition or when the stress of doing well in school was so overwhelming he needed a shoulder to cry on. At least, he really thought their friendship was forever, and they could stay together.

He was always physically affectionate. The whispers around him had never bothered him much even as they grew older, but he came to a sudden realisation, feeling the intimacy between them at that moment, that Jinyoung didn't feel the same. Jinyoung would always tense up when someone commented on their relationship, or when Daehwi got a little too close for comfort. Perhaps he was just a burden, as the smile on Jinyoung's face faded away over the years, never to be seen again when he was with him. Maybe to Jinyoung, he was only ever just another friend he could replace. Maybe he was for the longest oblivious time overestimating what they had after all.

His heart clenched as he took a step forward, and he wasn't sure whether it was from the premonitions of his demise or whether it was from the heartbreak he didn't know he had gone through.

Jinyoung was torn. He never knew what to feel about joining the gang, or more accurately, leaving Daehwi. Would he have made a different choice had he been given a chance? Their relationship was always identified by outsiders as something borderline romantic and platonic, and he hated it. He hated how much Daehwi made them look like a couple without a care of his flaming cheeks even though Daehwi was only ever his best friend, he hated how his heart would quicken as he pulled him close for comfort, he hated how he couldn't bring himself to smile when they were together because he would look like a fool in love and he was still so confused as of what he was feeling.

Jinyoung had to release the frustration somewhere, and so he forced his strength into the knife he was holding. It was at this moment Daehwi decided to turn around, to look at him with all the beauty in his uneven eyes. But no, oh no, he wasn't pleading; his expression was serene though clouded with the unmistakable fear in his eyes.

Memories of Jinyoung smiling, crying, holding onto him, empty promises flooded Daehwi, and he really, truly looked at the older boy for the first time in ages. He saw behind the calm expression that he knew only he could uncover, a mixture of sheer determination, anger, confusion, and he could have been very much mistaken, but just for a second he could have sworn he glanced at something along the lines of helplessness and longing. If these emotions really did exist, really did shine amongst the darkness raging inside, the least he could do in his last moments was to make the person he might have loved feel better.

 _3 steps left._ Daehwi closed his eyes with a resolute sigh and tried his best to hide his fear. Behind his eyelids, images of them flew by one by one - the classroom where they first met, the swing set that used to be their secret hideaway... and that last scene from the alleyway when Jinyoung decided to end everything they had. It was an unexplainable attraction that drew them close, and they couldn't ever part completely since. Not even now, when the other boy was tasked to kill himself.

He couldn't apologise because he wasn't sure what he should be sorry for; he couldn't pretend nothing had happened for things did happen between them both good and bad. There wasn't much he could do to ease Jinyoung, and so he decided to sing a soft lullaby.

 _2 steps._ The angelic voice that was Daehwi was meant for Jinyoung's ears only. Any of the fools hiding behind themselves, carefully evaluating Jinyoung would have thought Daehwi was praying to himself, but he knew better. He stared, still captivated by his singing voice after all the times he'd heard it, and maybe it was the stupid words that the gang muttered to make him believe he was infatuated by Daehwi, but the smaller boy might have been glowing under the sunlight. In that moment, he was the most beautiful thing in Jinyoung's entire world.

 _1 step._ Jinyoung thought about how he loved seeing Daehwi smile with his eyes all crinkled. He was blessed to see him happy and content and he single-handed took it away. Daehwi built a wall around himself after what happened but now, at his most vulnerable, he let it shatter down- the corner of his lips were tugged up in a melancholic smile and he looked so soft, unperturbed by the worries of the world -  this was the Daehwi he had always known and cherished.

 _So this was it,_ he could only laugh inside with self-pity and epiphany. The resentment that he thought he felt towards Daehwi had bubbled up over time, finally spilling the edges as he confronted Daehwi they last time they met. Little did he know it was never resentment that he felt. It was something deeper, darker and much scarier, and he convinced himself if he wasn't with Daehwi, all of that would go away. So he ran, away from the cause of his problems, but the string that tied them together he tried so hard to cut was just getting stronger.

As Jinyoung stared down the nothingness that resides just a step away, the clouds in his mind cleared. They weren't right, not exactly, he still wasn't sure whether he was in love, but he knew Daehwi had taken a piece of his heart and left with it. Maybe he was selfish and couldn't live without it, or no, that wasn't right. He couldn't bring himself to destroy Daehwi. Not after everything that he had done to him. Not after seeing the pain in his eyes reflected onto his own so many times. Not after he left Daehwi at his most vulnerable once. He won't run away from his own problems again, not when it meant inflicting pain onto the person he cared most about. These happened once. There won't be a second time.

He's given a chance to prove himself. At first, Jinyoung thought it was to the gang behind him, but that was the furthest from the truth one can get to.

He's given a chance of redemption.

And so as Daehwi sings the last note to his song, he engulfs him in a tight embrace, knife slipping from his hand and tears staining the younger boy's shirt. Daehwi hesitantly wraps his hands around him and no words were spoken. None were needed, anyways.

To Daehwi, it was the most familiar sensation, though this time it was Jinyoung, not himself, that needed the hug, despite the situation they were in.

To Jinyoung, though he still felt the butterflies in his stomach and the weird feeling he couldn't fully identify, he knew he belonged right where he was. The yelling of the people behind them didn't matter just for this one time because it was Daehwi, and it was always going to be Daehwi that truly mattered to him.

Feelings were complicated. The signals were often mixed and sometimes they could be deciphered in the completely wrong way. Some people, like Daehwi, chose to let it be, to find solace in the simple things and never think too deep about one's emotions, as it's too easy to get lost in the tangles. Some people, like Jinyoung, tried to sort out the mess in one's mind, determined not to be stumped by the brain's paradox.

There's no saying which way is the better, but though they both knew there were things to be talked through and relationships to be mended, what mattered right now was they found each other again and they weren't letting go, not anytime soon, and perhaps not forever.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published fic and I have no idea what this is so please don't kill me. Constructive criticisms are appreciated and thanks for reading! :)


End file.
